Do you watch people when you go to church or you are too spiritual for that?
I sometimes like to watch people as they walk into church, sit or even leave. There are different kinds of people and they are fascinating to watch. Remember Shaggy’s church heathen song? – it reminds me of some of these people.
Here are 15 types of people you will find in a Kenyan church:
1. The zombies.
This person tries hard to make it to church every Sunday but they had a long night dancing or drinking in the club. They try hard not to sleep but sometimes it is a losing battle.
2. The fashionistas.
These ones dress either like they are going for a high executive meeting or they are going to a rave. For the conservative ones jeans are not good enough for God, they must dress like they are going for a board meeting. On the other hand, some of the young fashionistas forget they are going to church and wear short skirts or dresses shocking half of the congregation.
3. The rebels.
The ones who were forced to go to church. You will find them in the parking lot hanging out with their friends and you will only see them in church during the praise and worship. During the sermon, they are outside chatting with their friends.
4. The over-the-top squad.
This is a group of people who are friends who arrive in church on time, participate in everything and they can be judgmental of anybody who is not toeing what they consider to be the church line. They are judgmental but they want everybody to know just how amazing they are as church goers. They also like to gossip for one hour or after church. Sometimes they are also the church mothers.
5. The ones who can’t carry a tune.
Most of the churchgoers know the songs but there is that one person who sings out of tune and they have such a high voice. Some of them end up in the choir and they make you cringe every time you hear them.
6. The holier than thou.
This is that Christian who has never been on the rave side of life. All their life they have been in the church and so they judge those who come to church from the rave, the ones who are scantily dressed. They believe they are perfect and they have an air of I am superior to you.
7. The mothers with helpers and children in tow.
These women are fascinating. They are power women and are always talking about empowering women. But they will not empower their helpers to have the day off because they need somebody to look after the kids even in church.
8. The ones with the flashy money.
You must know what this person exists. They like to flash their money and give donations just so that their names are called out. These people usually have political aspirations.
9. The Politicians.
These ones use every opportunity to get up to the pulpit and ask for votes, even when it is a solemn occasion like a funeral. These people are not discrete about their opinions or giving, they want people to know who they are and congratulate them for donating church cushions or pews.
10. The techno-savvy ones.
These ones don’t carry bibles to church, that is so old school. Their bible is on their phone so they scroll on the bible as the pastor reads. Sometimes they even take notes on an app. Sometimes though they get distracted by social media and chatting instead of listening to the sermon.
11. The love birds.
The girl is usually the one who is into church and the guy is usually just there to gain points. You will find the woman is very interested in what the pastor is saying and the guy has an expression of when will church end so that I can leave.
12. The ones who chat.
They will sit as a group and chat instead of listening to the sermon. They come to church because it is an obligation but that doesn’t mean they can’t catch up on the latest gossip.
13. The Dancers.
These ones really love to dance and they are fascinating to watch. Some of them used to be the guys who used to rave in the clubs and when they get saved they want to dance for Jesus.
These ones come to church pretending to be sheep but they are wolves. They are in church to look for their next girlfriend or boyfriend. They pretend to be pious but they are not. Once they get what they want you will never see them again.
15. The ones with a very long testimony.
These people got saved like 30 years ago. When they talk they must give you a 15-minute testimony about how they got saved and how Jesus is their savior and he has been good to them.
It is possible to fall under more than one category.