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COVID-19 hospitalizations hit new records in 13 states

“This campaign has gone on for an eternity,” but there are only six days left until the voting stops, Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday’s Late Show. President Trump “is spending his time shoring up states he won in 2016,” and one clip from a Michigan rally “getting a lot of attention” involves his “attempt to appeal to suburban women,” he said. Yes, “Donald Trump’s gonna get your husbands back to work so you can get all your lady chores done — like voting for Joe Biden.”

Meanwhile, the coronavirus is spreading everywhere, fast, hitting “500,000 new cases in just the past week,” Colbert said. “Clearly, we’re a long way from ending the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other hand, yesterday a new White House press released announced that one of Trump’s biggest accomplishments is ‘ending the COVID-19 pandemic.’ Now while that is clearly insane, declaring victory prematurely is a proud Republican tradition.”

Colbert also joined the mockery of Kim Kardashian West’s private-island birthday party. “I’m just worried they’re gonna give rich people who do whatever they want on a private island a bad name,” he deadpanned. “See you soon, Richard Branson!”

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“I wonder if anyone told [Kardashian] she’s allowed to have a party and not post pictures of it,” Jimmy Kimmel mused on Kimmel Live. “People really went nuts on this one. They’re saying this could potentially derail Kanye’s presidential campaign.” Meanwhile, “members of Trump’s own coronavirus task force are said to be personally offended by a release from the White House yesterday that claimed, among other things, that the president ended the pandemic,” he said, adding dryly, “You won’t see that on MSDNC.”

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Trump claiming he ended the COVID-19 pandemic is “like the Tampa Bay Rays listing their biggest accomplishment as ‘2020 World Series Champions,'” Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. “Keep in mind, though, the White House ‘Science’ office is just Eric and Don Jr. wearing Bill Nye Halloween costumes,” he added. “I was pretty surprised the find out the Trump White House has a science office. That’s like finding out The Bachelorette has a science office.”

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After at a star-crossed rally in Omaha Tuesday night, “everyone was freezing — Trump supporters were like, ‘If only there was some way to keep our faces warm,'” Fallon joked. And when the shuttle buses failed to materialize afterward, “some people were actually treated for hypothermia. That’s how bad it’s getting for Trump: even his supporters are turning blue.” Watch below. Peter Weber

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